• dirty neurotic •

i want to kick and punch and cry

i wish i could fucking blow up the sky

there’s nothing i know of that’s worth what i feel

for any and every thing isn’t real.

it’s been forev.

absolutely exhausted. i can’t get myself to eat because i have no idea what would be appetizing. i went to the gym today and worked my ass off. it’s been sooooo long since i’ve set foot in the gym and today was day 2 of the revival. i realize how much i miss it. im so much happier and i realize how much i needed the exercise.

fuck smoking. it’s taking such a toll. i can’t workout for as long as i used to. although that could be because it’s been such a long time. regardless, i know i need to stop. i probably wont. shet.

well, i’ll just lay here a little longer and relax. maybe i’ll get up the energy to make my way upstairs to the kitchen in a little. maybe not.

….

i can’t believe i leave for school in a week and a half. it’s mind boggling. summer has gone by soooooooo quickly and i havent accomplished a thing! it’s a tad disappointing. i’ve worked a lot, but i’ve also spent more money than i should have. i didn’t learn how to play the keyboard, read as frequently as i planned, or practiced longboarding. i did brush up a bit on my sign language…im not really sure where that book went…. it was in the back of my car…but now its not…bizarre.

im so afraid im going to hate it. and this is so typical new-college-student of me, but i am actually terrified of getting there and enjoying everyones peachy excitement for the first few weeks then realizing there is no one like me in the entire school. ugh. i can’t bear another four years of high school. im so over it. and i know i shouldnt expect the worst but i can’t help it. it’s miserable. i just want things to be okay….

.ew, im so boring.

fuck whatever doesn’t make you happy

ugh. last night was difficult. i feel a frenzy of hopelessness overcome myself almost every night now. it’s as if i subconsciously hold back any harmful feelings during the day because i know i ahve to hold myself together for all i encounter; whether it be while i’m at work or at home. i know i have a lot more going for myself than i give myself credit. i can’t help but to just want to give up entirely, though. it would be so fucking easy to just surrender. at the same time, i fear that if iw ere to just give up life would become even more of a mess, albeit easier, yet nonetheless a struggle.

i suppose the only option i have is to continue and see where i end up. no, that’s not the mindset i want to have. i want to have goals and accomplishments awaiting me. i want to do reallyw ell in school and meet amazing people when i go to school in exactly one month. i have a single dorm room and that kind of terrifies me. i know it will be so much easier to seclude myself and live as a hermit among my own campus. i pray to god i will not end up this way.

well, i’m about to go to the eye doctor then to a physical later

……………………………………………………

destiny and fate aren’t real

we like to entrust in this meaningless zeal

regardless of what’s really false or true

we live among lies that support our own view

no matter how brainwashed or wise we may seem

we find that in life there is no way to redeem

all the sadness, misfortune, regrets we have made

we are left to await for this misery to fade.

i know there’s a reason for this lack of believing.

oh god. i am just so utterly sick of this. im filling up my time with absolutely anything that will distract me from what i am doing to myself and what my parents subconsciously doing as a result of their own negativity.

if i’ve learned anything in the past few months it’s that i have the power to control how much i allow their negativity to affect me. this is clearly easier said than done. on the other hand, i am entirely capable of controlling what i do to myself. i have not been taking care of my body. i am terrified i will become an enormous blob once i go to college. there will be no reason for me to even attempt at life when i reach that point—or so i will convince myself.

i wish i could just find the strength within myself to just pull everything fucking together. replace my vices with courage and inspiration that will catalyze the mission to success i know i can achieve.

ugh. i just dont know how on earth i am supposed to find this determination. i am bottling almost everything i encounter within myself. i dont want to take a single moment to acknowledge the disasters i will soon encounter. as my tattoo on my middle finger would confirm, i adamantly believe in karma. ugh. this is going to be a shitty ride from mediocre land to the depths of punishment.

i found myself fighting back tears a couple of times this week. just sitting on a couch where  was babysitting. nothing significant had just happened. i was simply just watching E! true hollywood story: Kardashians as i casually watched the children play. suddenly it was a mixture of that feeling right before youw ant to burst out laughing but know that it would be inappropriate to do so and the desperation to shed one fucking tear and just let it out because it’s been hovering around you for longer than you can recall. needless to say, i held it back a little longer.

lately i’ve felt as if i just need a good cry. to let everything out.

am i afraid of college? i dont think so. i know what to expect in the most part, i’m really just a little afraid of finding people that i really adore, not just who i tolerate.

is it becuase i know i’ve been dong something wrong yet i refuse to change my behaviors? maybe, but it’s almost as if i’ve taught mysefl to cope with those feelings. i shouldnt be feeling emotional about it now.

oh, the bittersweet flavor of apprehension, excitement and fear among surging tension.